Wait! What?, by Calum Carlyle

Wait! What?

by Calum Carlyle

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1.	Fifty Songs In Ninety Days 02:14	lyrics	buy track
Sing a song of fifty Songs in ninety days Never have i heard of Such a novel craze Never in a million Years would i have thought Fifty songs in ninety days Would make me quite this fraught Writing for who? Nobody knows Fifty songs later Home we all go Fifty songs, in ninety days At the end your eyes are glazed I've never quite made fifty yet But this'll be the first time, i bet! Sing a song of fifty Songs in ninety days Never have i heard of Such a novel craze When the gates are opened Post up your new songs But watch out for the cheat police They'll say you did it wrong! The cheat police will say you got it wrong
2.	(I've Got A) Rhyming Dictionary 01:49	lyrics	buy track
I've got a rhyming dictionary So some of my lines are pretty hairy I thought it would be legendary I could rake it in like Richard Berry Except that he was screwed out of his royalties When he wrote "Louie Louie" But he didn't have a little dictionary like mine And that is probably why Because rhymes don't make you money You'll be out of pocket all your life If you want your life to be sunny Then get a job and get a wife 'Cos songwriting doesn't pay I waste time every day Writing songs That no one will ever hear! I've got a new thesaurus It'll help me out no end with the chorus It'll be about the ancient god Horus or the star sign now known as Taurus Except that nobody wants to hear About weirdo stuff like that So if i want to be a superstar I'd better keep it all under my hat
3.	Get The Point 02:24	lyrics	buy track
It's got to the point where comedy isn't accepted (Or expected) It's got to the point where we're desperate for something to say It's got to the point where whatever we say is rejected So we can scream til we're blue in the face, the problem won't go away 'Cos it's a problem of communication You will get out what you put in, on the whole So if you're bored with the conversation There's no point in talking to you at all The day has arrived when i find it hard to be bothered With the mutual backslappers who think that they're "better" than me There are plenty people in this world who i would rather Spend time with, if they'll put up with my company 'Cos it's a problem of mental stagnation You will get out what you put in, on the whole So if you get a kick from causing me frustration Then you can go and kick a ball against a wall! 'Cos it's a problem of communication You will get out what you put in, on the whole So if you're bored with the conversation There's no point in talking to you at all
4.	Illustrious Garden Of The Human Mind 03:09	lyrics	buy track
You're gonna be green, Your flowers will bloom and People will say "how nice" You're gonna be seen In your garden with your homemade prosthetic device Because your limbs are old and wonky But your garden's a sight to see Now you've employed a donkey And a troupe of performing fleas! You're gonna be high, on your Siamese carpet It's magic, so it won't let you fall You're gonna be seen Round the country with a Smile on your face for us all Because your mind is not so linear But your garden's a sight to see Though you're looking a little bit skinnier You should have fish and chips for your tea Don't mind me
5.	In Hospital 01:51	lyrics	buy track
When you're in hospital they make you pee in a cup But it can be quite difficult It just climbs back up And there are all sorts of reasons Why you can't get it out But when you want a flood All you get is a drought! So pee before you go No one needs to know Because you never can establish a flow In a hospital When you're in hospital You have to order your meals On a card the day before And somehow nothing appeals And you get to wear a nightgown With a slit up the back So if you're in hospital Everyone sees your crack! But pee before you go No one needs to know Because you never can establish a flow In a hospital And i hope you get well soon We'll all be over the moon We were sorry to hear that you Were in hospital
6.	The End Of Emotional Blackmail 03:22	lyrics	buy track
All of the time you tell me what's right If i said it was day you'd say it was night I can never rely on you Whatever you want to do, you'll do And i'm never gonna leave you, well i never would try I couldn't make it without you, girl But it's never gonna work if you keep pushing me.. This has got to be the end of emotional blackmail The end of emotional blackmail Well we never get time to be ourselves Sometimes i feel like you're just somebody else And i'm never gonna leave you, well i never would try I couldn't make it without you, girl But it doesn't make it easy if you're pushing me.. This has got to be the end of emotional blackmail The end of emotional blackmail All of the time you tell me what's right If i said it was day you'd say it was night But i'm never gonna leave you, well i never would try I couldn't make it without you, girl But it's never gonna work if you keep pushing me.. This has got to be the end of emotional blackmail The end of emotional blackmail
7.	Killing Everybody For Jesus 01:33	lyrics	buy track
I'm killing everybody for Jesus 'Cos that's what Jesus wants I'm killing everybody for Jesus Hooray! Some say i'm wrong They say that Jesus doesn't want death But i feel strong- -ly about killing people till my last breath! I'm killing everybody for Jesus 'Cos that's what Jesus wants I'm killing everybody for Jesus Hooray! They won't convert So even if i kill them, it's god's work But even so I'm told that killing's an unusual quirk The muslims kill And to me they're all the same So i'll do as i will It's fine 'cos it's in Jesus' name I'm killing everybody for Jesus 'Cos that's what Jesus wants I'm killing everybody for Jesus Hooray!
8.	Is It Fair? 03:30	lyrics	buy track
I fled from my country when the bombs started falling I came here as a lone refugee I don't know what happened to my brothers and sisters The only thing i could do was to flee Is it fair? Is it fair to my people That we were hurt, we were killed, we were maimed? We would go Back if we only could But there's nothing for us to reclaim I see on the news it gets worse every day And i know i will never go home And i know i am one of the lucky ones but I've never felt quite so alone Is it fair? Is it fair to my people That we were hurt, we were killed, we were maimed? We would go Back if we only could But there's nothing for us to reclaim And our government escapes all the blame And to foreigners we all look the same I could be productive, I can work for my keep But there's no work for foreigners, and my scars, they run deep And the faces still haunt me, awake or asleep And i'll never go home again And our government escapes all the blame And the U.N. treats this like a game It's a shame
9.	Dear Sir 02:30	lyrics	buy track
Dear sir, Thank you for your letter, We think it's important What you had to say We try Our best to make sure All our products reach the highest Standards today And we're sorry you were unsatisfied And we're sorry your item broke And we hope you'll accept these vouchers In lieu of compensation Dear sir, We take it very seriously When a customer Lets us know what's wrong We regret Our service was so bad That you put it Into a song And we're sorry you were unsatisfied... 'Cos it's a tricky situation Of course we can't refund the money that you lost So in lieu of compensation Here are some vouchers to cover the cost Never mind the mental anguish Or the travel, or the time You don't seem to be physically damaged So really, everything's fine Everything's fine In lieu of compensation Dear sir
10.	Driving On The Interstate At Midnight 01:47	lyrics	buy track
Driving on the interstate at midnight Johnny Cash is on the radio The scenery goes past, I never notice Because I’ve got a long long way to go It’s hard, driving, yes it’s hard, driving On the interstate At midnight Driving on the interstate at midnight The coffee’s cold, and I haven’t got a light I can’t wait to get to where I’m going But I’ve been driving through the day and through the night Well it’s hard, driving, yes it’s hard, driving On the interstate At midnight But i left everything to be with you And i can't turn back the clock, or the car And I don't care about no restraining order I just wanna be wherever you are And it’s hard, driving, yes it’s hard, driving On the interstate At midnight Driving on the interstate at midnight Johnny Cash is on the radio Jesus is beside me as i hurtle through the dark I haven't seen you since so long ago I'll be with you soon i just want you to know But it’s hard, driving, yes it’s hard, driving On the interstate At midnight
11.	You Should Have Been There 02:22	lyrics	buy track
Why didn't you go With me when i thought that you should? Could it be that you felt that i didn't know What i was talking about? I'll have you know that it didn't matter I just went without you And i didn't mind But you should have been there It was right up your alley And next time i'll ask someone else You should have been there What do you care? There were spaceships, there were superwhorls Galaxies opened before us We wanted to hide, but we went inside It was great! And the whole time i thought that you would have enjoyed it But you had to do other things It would have been better if you were there We could have shared sandwiches You should have been there Oh, you should have been there We could have shared sandwiches! You should have been there!
12.	You Can't Change Anyone's Mind On The Internet 02:46	lyrics	buy track
You can't change anyone's mind on the internet They all know what they think, and that is that Don't try to change someone's mind on the internet It doesn't work on forums, or in the chat Because they know their mind already When you speak, all they do is yawn And they'll exercise their dogma All over your lawn! You can't get anything done on the internet It's like herding cats getting anyone to agree Because everyone knows they're right, on the internet So it's best to just swallow your words, and act P.C. Because they know their mind already When you speak, all they do is yawn And they'll exercise their dogma All over your lawn!
13.	All Hopped Up On Dope 03:35		buy track
14.	UFO Tofu 02:34	lyrics	buy track
A car, a man, a maraca, Tons o' snot Oh! Cameras are macho, Todd erases a red dot Tangy gnat Tahiti hat Too hot to hoot Too bad i hid a boot! Olson is in Oslo UFO Tofu! UFO Tofu! Oprah deified Harpo I prefer Pi Never odd or even If i had a hi-fi No 'x' in 'Nixon' No, tie it on Sh, Tom sees moths Nurse, i spy gypsies, run! Do geese see God? UFO Tofu! UFO Tofu! Satan, oscillate my metallic sonatas! Devil never even lived, I roamed under it as a tired, nude Maori Did Hannah see bees? Hannah Did. UFO Tofu! UFO Tofu.

about

This is a collection of songs which i wrote during August 2013 as part of the 50/90 challenge. It is a collection of live recordings, with me singing and accompanying myself on guitar, not a lot of technical wizardry has been employed here, but hopefully the songs stand up for themselves.

You be the judge. Consider downloading this and some of my other material, if you like it, and also please do pass the music, and the website link round your friends and family, it's all there to be enjoyed.

If you'd like to see (and listen to) my entire 50/90 song catalogue as it continues to grow, you can, here:
fiftyninety.fawmers.org/user/calum-carlyle