Wait! What?

by Calum Carlyle

/
  • Streaming + Download

    Includes high-quality download in MP3, FLAC and more. Paying supporters also get unlimited streaming via the free Bandcamp app.

      name your price

     

1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
01:51
6.
7.
8.
03:30
9.
02:30
10.
11.
12.
13.
14.
02:34

about

This is a collection of songs which i wrote during August 2013 as part of the 50/90 challenge. It is a collection of live recordings, with me singing and accompanying myself on guitar, not a lot of technical wizardry has been employed here, but hopefully the songs stand up for themselves.

You be the judge. Consider downloading this and some of my other material, if you like it, and also please do pass the music, and the website link round your friends and family, it's all there to be enjoyed.

If you'd like to see (and listen to) my entire 50/90 song catalogue as it continues to grow, you can, here:
fiftyninety.fawmers.org/user/calum-carlyle

credits

released August 31, 2013

license

all rights reserved

tags

about

Calum Carlyle Edinburgh, UK

I'm a musician and songwriter from Orkney, now based in Edinburgh. Have a listen to some of my music, i hope you enjoy it!

contact / help

Contact Calum Carlyle

Streaming and
Download help

Shipping and returns

Track Name: Fifty Songs In Ninety Days
Sing a song of fifty
Songs in ninety days
Never have i heard of
Such a novel craze
Never in a million
Years would i have thought
Fifty songs in ninety days
Would make me quite this fraught

Writing for who?
Nobody knows
Fifty songs later
Home we all go

Fifty songs, in ninety days
At the end your eyes are glazed
I've never quite made fifty yet
But this'll be the first time, i bet!

Sing a song of fifty
Songs in ninety days
Never have i heard of
Such a novel craze
When the gates are opened
Post up your new songs
But watch out for the cheat police
They'll say you did it wrong!
The cheat police will say you got it wrong
Track Name: (I've Got A) Rhyming Dictionary
I've got a rhyming dictionary
So some of my lines are pretty hairy
I thought it would be legendary
I could rake it in like Richard Berry

Except that he was screwed out of his royalties
When he wrote "Louie Louie"
But he didn't have a little dictionary like mine
And that is probably why

Because rhymes don't make you money
You'll be out of pocket all your life
If you want your life to be sunny
Then get a job and get a wife
'Cos songwriting doesn't pay
I waste time every day
Writing songs
That no one will ever hear!

I've got a new thesaurus
It'll help me out no end with the chorus
It'll be about the ancient god Horus
or the star sign now known as Taurus

Except that nobody wants to hear
About weirdo stuff like that
So if i want to be a superstar
I'd better keep it all under my hat
Track Name: Get The Point
It's got to the point where comedy isn't accepted (Or expected)
It's got to the point where we're desperate for something to say
It's got to the point where whatever we say is rejected
So we can scream til we're blue in the face, the problem won't go away

'Cos it's a problem of communication
You will get out what you put in, on the whole
So if you're bored with the conversation
There's no point in talking to you at all

The day has arrived when i find it hard to be bothered
With the mutual backslappers who think that they're "better" than me
There are plenty people in this world who i would rather
Spend time with, if they'll put up with my company

'Cos it's a problem of mental stagnation
You will get out what you put in, on the whole
So if you get a kick from causing me frustration
Then you can go and kick a ball against a wall!

'Cos it's a problem of communication
You will get out what you put in, on the whole
So if you're bored with the conversation
There's no point in talking to you at all
Track Name: Illustrious Garden Of The Human Mind
You're gonna be green,
Your flowers will bloom and
People will say "how nice"
You're gonna be seen
In your garden with your
homemade prosthetic device

Because your limbs are old and wonky
But your garden's a sight to see
Now you've employed a donkey
And a troupe of performing fleas!

You're gonna be high,
on your Siamese carpet
It's magic, so it won't let you fall
You're gonna be seen
Round the country with a
Smile on your face for us all

Because your mind is not so linear
But your garden's a sight to see
Though you're looking a little bit skinnier
You should have fish and chips for your tea

Don't mind me
Track Name: In Hospital
When you're in hospital
they make you pee in a cup
But it can be quite difficult
It just climbs back up

And there are all sorts of reasons
Why you can't get it out
But when you want a flood
All you get is a drought!

So pee before you go
No one needs to know
Because you never can establish a flow
In a hospital

When you're in hospital
You have to order your meals
On a card the day before
And somehow nothing appeals

And you get to wear a nightgown
With a slit up the back
So if you're in hospital
Everyone sees your crack!

But pee before you go
No one needs to know
Because you never can establish a flow
In a hospital

And i hope you get well soon
We'll all be over the moon
We were sorry to hear that you
Were in hospital
Track Name: The End Of Emotional Blackmail
All of the time you tell me what's right
If i said it was day you'd say it was night
I can never rely on you
Whatever you want to do, you'll do

And i'm never gonna leave you, well i never would try
I couldn't make it without you, girl
But it's never gonna work if you keep pushing me..
This has got to be the end of emotional blackmail
The end of emotional blackmail

Well we never get time to be ourselves
Sometimes i feel like you're just somebody else

And i'm never gonna leave you, well i never would try
I couldn't make it without you, girl
But it doesn't make it easy if you're pushing me..
This has got to be the end of emotional blackmail
The end of emotional blackmail

All of the time you tell me what's right
If i said it was day you'd say it was night
But i'm never gonna leave you, well i never would try
I couldn't make it without you, girl
But it's never gonna work if you keep pushing me..
This has got to be the end of emotional blackmail
The end of emotional blackmail
Track Name: Killing Everybody For Jesus
I'm killing everybody for Jesus
'Cos that's what Jesus wants
I'm killing everybody for Jesus
Hooray!

Some say i'm wrong
They say that Jesus doesn't want death
But i feel strong-
-ly about killing people till my last breath!

I'm killing everybody for Jesus
'Cos that's what Jesus wants
I'm killing everybody for Jesus
Hooray!

They won't convert
So even if i kill them, it's god's work
But even so
I'm told that killing's an unusual quirk

The muslims kill
And to me they're all the same
So i'll do as i will
It's fine 'cos it's in Jesus' name

I'm killing everybody for Jesus
'Cos that's what Jesus wants
I'm killing everybody for Jesus
Hooray!
Track Name: Is It Fair?
I fled from my country when the bombs started falling
I came here as a lone refugee
I don't know what happened to my brothers and sisters
The only thing i could do was to flee

Is it fair?
Is it fair to my people
That we were hurt, we were killed, we were maimed?
We would go
Back if we only could
But there's nothing for us to reclaim

I see on the news it gets worse every day
And i know i will never go home
And i know i am one of the lucky ones but
I've never felt quite so alone

Is it fair?
Is it fair to my people
That we were hurt, we were killed, we were maimed?
We would go
Back if we only could
But there's nothing for us to reclaim
And our government escapes all the blame
And to foreigners we all look the same

I could be productive, I can work for my keep
But there's no work for foreigners, and my scars, they run deep
And the faces still haunt me, awake or asleep
And i'll never go home again
And our government escapes all the blame
And the U.N. treats this like a game
It's a shame
Track Name: Dear Sir
Dear sir,
Thank you for your letter,
We think it's important
What you had to say

We try
Our best to make sure
All our products reach the highest
Standards today

And we're sorry you were unsatisfied
And we're sorry your item broke
And we hope you'll accept these vouchers
In lieu of compensation

Dear sir,
We take it very seriously
When a customer
Lets us know what's wrong

We regret
Our service was so bad
That you put it
Into a song

And we're sorry you were unsatisfied...

'Cos it's a tricky situation
Of course we can't refund the money that you lost
So in lieu of compensation
Here are some vouchers to cover the cost
Never mind the mental anguish
Or the travel, or the time
You don't seem to be physically damaged
So really, everything's fine

Everything's fine
In lieu of compensation

Dear sir
Track Name: Driving On The Interstate At Midnight
Driving on the interstate at midnight
Johnny Cash is on the radio
The scenery goes past, I never notice
Because I’ve got a long long way to go

It’s hard, driving, yes it’s hard, driving
On the interstate
At midnight

Driving on the interstate at midnight
The coffee’s cold, and I haven’t got a light
I can’t wait to get to where I’m going
But I’ve been driving through the day and through the night

Well it’s hard, driving, yes it’s hard, driving
On the interstate
At midnight

But i left everything to be with you
And i can't turn back the clock, or the car
And I don't care about no restraining order
I just wanna be wherever you are

And it’s hard, driving, yes it’s hard, driving
On the interstate
At midnight

Driving on the interstate at midnight
Johnny Cash is on the radio
Jesus is beside me as i hurtle through the dark
I haven't seen you since so long ago
I'll be with you soon i just want you to know

But it’s hard, driving, yes it’s hard, driving
On the interstate
At midnight
Track Name: You Should Have Been There
Why didn't you go
With me when i thought that you should?
Could it be that you felt that i didn't know
What i was talking about?

I'll have you know that it didn't matter
I just went without you
And i didn't mind

But you should have been there
It was right up your alley
And next time i'll ask someone else

You should have been there
What do you care?

There were spaceships, there were superwhorls
Galaxies opened before us
We wanted to hide, but we went inside
It was great!

And the whole time i thought that you would have enjoyed it
But you had to do other things
It would have been better if you were there
We could have shared sandwiches

You should have been there
Oh, you should have been there
We could have shared sandwiches!

You should have been there!
Track Name: You Can't Change Anyone's Mind On The Internet
You can't change anyone's mind on the internet
They all know what they think, and that is that
Don't try to change someone's mind on the internet
It doesn't work on forums, or in the chat

Because they know their mind already
When you speak, all they do is yawn
And they'll exercise their dogma
All over your lawn!

You can't get anything done on the internet
It's like herding cats getting anyone to agree
Because everyone knows they're right, on the internet
So it's best to just swallow your words, and act P.C.

Because they know their mind already
When you speak, all they do is yawn
And they'll exercise their dogma
All over your lawn!
Track Name: UFO Tofu
A car, a man, a maraca,
Tons o' snot
Oh! Cameras are macho,
Todd erases a red dot

Tangy gnat
Tahiti hat
Too hot to hoot
Too bad i hid a boot!
Olson is in Oslo
UFO Tofu!
UFO Tofu!

Oprah deified Harpo
I prefer Pi
Never odd or even
If i had a hi-fi

No 'x' in 'Nixon'
No, tie it on
Sh, Tom sees moths
Nurse, i spy gypsies, run!
Do geese see God?
UFO Tofu!
UFO Tofu!

Satan, oscillate my metallic sonatas!
Devil never even lived,
I roamed under it as a tired, nude Maori
Did Hannah see bees? Hannah Did.
UFO Tofu!
UFO Tofu.